Sunday, December 12, 2010

fuck you.

"i am fucking busy with school work already. i have things to settle in my own life. there are things i've planned for myself. i am trying to plan my own future. i am already trying my best in the things i do. i am striving to be someone better than who i am now.

so. please try to think about how i feel.
i've lived this 18 years being brainwashed, kept away from things, lived my life like someone who doesn't know the world. all 18 years i've always only wanted true happiness on my birthdays. i've lived my 18 years scared of going "home", scared of facing what i will face when i get "home". i've lived 18 years always wanting to get out of this place. i've lived 18 years trying to fucking not to cry.

PLEASE. my kind of happiness is different from anyone else. don't try to change that.
if you ask yourself, how much do you know about me."

- is what i posted in facebook.

my head hurts. because i'm listening to heavy metal music. my eyes hurt. because i'm opening them big enough for my tears not to fall. my heart hurts. because i can't find someone to talk to.

i know when i'm alone. i know who i am. i'm not stupid, i'm not blind, i'm not a kid.
i choose who i want to be. i choose what i want to do. i choose my own life.

- you always reject the clothes we buy for you.
i don't fucking wear clothes just for other people's sake. i have my own fucking style. before you buy someone something, KNOW that person first.

- when will you ever grow up.
FYI. i am an adult. i know that clear enough. i may be all childlike sometimes. because i am happy that way. and because i want to be that way. the reason why you will ask me that question is because to you yourself, you never wanted me to grow up. everything i did is like what a kid do to you. in your eyes, i am never an adult. you don't EVER take me seriously.

- why can't you stop and look at other people.
i did. i fucking did. now don't say you did too. how many times have i just shut up and watch other people. how many fucking times have i tried to leave a little space, but i get ignored all the time.

- why do you dress like that.
because that's my fucking style. if you can't wake up and accept people around you, then GTFO and leave them alone.

- why can't you wear something other than black?! why are your nails black and red?!
BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO BE NORMAL FUCKER. black make me comfortable. they make me feel dangerous. feel daring. they make me feel awesome. they make me feel dark. i don't have to pretend behind some pastel bright colours. what is weird and what is normal. i just want to be this way. you wear a green top with pink skirt. so what makes you superior in telling me i cannot alternate red and black nail polishes.

- can't you stop staring at people like that.
excuse me. i'm not staring. one reason i diao or dao or fucking stare/glare at you cos i want you to fuck off. so just STFU and scram.

just to name a few FAQ in my life.
i just want to live my life. in this way. so. GTFO. like, RIGHT NOW.

i'm looking for somewhere to stay after i graduate from NYP. anyone?

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